Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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