After last night, I could never be a politician.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize