If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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