just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
