I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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