Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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