Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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