I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
