Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
