Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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