Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
