i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
