They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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