New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
