I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
are you so shy because you have an std?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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