Someone shit on the floor
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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