I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
