Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize