last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
