No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
