just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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