Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
