So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
