I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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