I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
