Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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