So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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