fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
