in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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