This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
