i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
