that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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