She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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