Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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