That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
