OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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