Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
