This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
