ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize