I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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