You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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