My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
vagina is talking i cant
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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