I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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