You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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