Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
