Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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