my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
