You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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