I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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