dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
