my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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