i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
