An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
