So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
