It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
