Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
