I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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