You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize