He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
