I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
