Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
