explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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