remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
